I must admit, the shows are pretty entertaining, and I like to sit down with my wife and watch them, especially if there is also a banana split involved. But at the same time, these shows crack me up. I have listed below my six Detective Show Observations (notice I didn’t say Complaints).
Detective Show Observation #1: Everyone treats the detectives like crap.
This is the Observation I find most humorous. Since when did police detectives sink on the social totem pole to the point where we now associate them with door-to-door water filter salesmen? Why can’t people find time and respect for these detectives? Poor Detective Benson needs to follow these people around at their work, constantly harassing and interrupting them, in order to solve a murder investigation of one of their employees. And to add to the situation, the murder just happened to take place in the parking lot right outside the door, and this particular employee just happened to be working at the time and found the dead body. And they can’t find five minutes out of their busy schedule to talk to the detective?
I find this hard to believe. Who wouldn’t sit down with a detective and talk about the case? I don’t care if they’re guilty or not! If your son ever got murdered and the detectives dropped by with some questions for you, chances are you’d turn off the television and accommodate the murder detectives, right? After two minutes of them asking questions, would you really cut them off and say, “Listen, Detectives, I don’t have time for you right now. Do you think you can take this little investigation of yours to the donut shop and let me know when you have some real answers?” I mean, honestly….
Detective Show Observation #2: The detectives in these shows are literally superhuman.
First of all, they can find a suspect from anywhere. For example, they think an ex-husband is involved in a murder, and as they’re contemplating the evidence, they go to Central Park in New York City and read the newspaper while sipping a coffee. Out of the corner of their eye, they’ll see someone walking on the other side of the park, they’ll make eye contact with the person, and then the guy will bolt away. They caught him! Just like that!
The most ridiculous was an episode I saw where the detectives were trying to break a child slave ring, and they went to Puerto Rico to look for their main suspect. They got off the plane in the capital city, went to a big park, and instantly made eye contact with a little slave boy walking around. Somehow, both the detective and the little boy knew who the other was, and the chase was on. Man, that detective walked into Puerto Rico cold turkey and busted the ring within fifteen minutes. I bet he could walk into China and do the same thing. He’s good!
Secondly, these detectives can find any evidence in any crime scene within ten solid minutes. Is there a spot of saliva buried under two inches of grease in the oven? No problem. A blood splotch mixed in with a gallon of ketchup? Too easy. A hair found inside a stack of $20 bills inside a Monopoly box that is buried under nine hundred pounds of junk in the upstairs attic? No sweat (and somehow they can trace that Monopoly box to the exact employee who assembled it in Milton Bradley’s plant back in 1976…all in the database found on their handheld Blackberry). These guys can and will find everything. But, ironically, they can only accomplish these miraculous feats if they first turn off all the lights and execute the search with their mag-lights.
Detective Show Observation #3
In addition to having superhuman abilities, these detectives also have impeccable timing. EVERY time they break into an apartment, one of two conclusions is inevitable. They will either barge in at the exact same time that the key suspect is having intimate relations with another person (the scene shows the woman clinging to a bed sheet while screaming). Or they’ll bust the door open, look towards the back of the apartment, and see that the window is open. Of course, the suspect will be climbing down the fire escape ladder at that very second.
Every time. I mean, what are the chances? Just one time I’d like to see the detectives ram their way in, and then find out that the suspect just happens to be at work that afternoon. Or eating out with some friends that evening at a TGI Friday’s.
Detective Show Observation #4
How do the detectives always become a victim? The high-profile detective’s son just happens to be the one kid at school that gets kidnapped by terrorists. The coroner shockingly is given the corpse of her twin, who she didn’t realize was even dead. The SVU detective just happens to get raped by a serial rapist that she’s been trying to catch. The policeman’s wife is murdered. A homeless guy is involved in a murder, and there is a five-second pause as the camera pans closer to the actor’s face as he solemnly declares, “That man is my long lost father. I haven’t seen him in 44 years.” Commercial break. I mean, c’mon.
The best storyline is when the detectives are trying to catch onto the sick pattern of a serial killer, and they have a map of the city up with all of the murder locations plotted. “Hmmm,” Detective Walker will say. “It looks to me like the murderer is writing out the phrase “Who am I?” with all the murder locations.
“Yes,” chirps in Ice T. “But they forgot the dot at the bottom of the question mark. That must be where his next victim lives.”
“Let’s see,” mutters Walker as he types in a query on the computer. “The next victim must be at the exact location of that dot. And according to our database, that victim will be….…Detective Mayflower.”
“You mean your partner, Detective Mayflower?” asks Ice T.
“That son of a gun,” exclaims Walker. “Now this is getting personal.” They rush to the scene, where—according to the Impeccable Timing observation noted above—they will catch the suspect just as he is about to commit the crime.
The drama!
Detective Show Observation #5:
This is one of my favorites. It is when there is an argument between two agencies about who has jurisdiction over the murder scene and investigation.
Detective Morris drives to the scene of a high-profile murder, where he finds NYPD already there. He approaches a cop, flashes his badge, and says (while taking off his sunglasses and putting them in his shirt pocket), “Detective Morris…NSA. I’ll take over from here. You and your buddies can go ahead and pack your things. Your work here is done.” This is followed by a heated exchange between the NYPD detective and the NSA agent. It ends with the NYPD cop huffing away while proclaiming, “You’ll be sure to hear from the Mayor on this, and I’ll tell you what…the news ain’t gonna be pretty.” Detective Morris glares at him and confidently boasts while slipping his sunglasses back on, “Sir, the Mayor takes orders from ME. You can tell him whatever you want. But this is MY murder scene now.” Commercial break.
Do different jurisdictions get offended like this when somebody else takes over? Seriously, if I were the NYPD guy trying to solve the complex, high-profile murder case and knowing that I’d have to answer a flurry of media requests, I’d be overjoyed if the FBI or CIA took over and I could walk away from the whole mess without a worry in the world. I’d tell Detective Morris what I’ve found and whistle a happy tune as I drove back to the station. But maybe that’s just me….
Detective Show Observation #6:
The criminals are genuinely psycho. I suppose one could argue that to commit a murder or any number of crimes, you would have to be somewhat insane. But what gets me is the psycho motive behind each crime. When did crimes stop being committed out of simple hatred?
Nowadays, all the crimes are committed by the dead guy’s stepson, who has been having an affair with the victim’s ex-wife, and suspected the man of not only cheating on his mother, but of trying to get back together with his ex-wife (who, as mentioned above, is romantically involved with the killer). Or something like that. And when the detectives barge into his apartment, he will have just fled. But they will also discover a deep, detailed 2,550-page diary of his sick, voyeuristic exploits where he has been looking at schoolgirls for the past twenty years.
This confusing plot is only the tip of the iceberg. One notable episode I witnessed featured a woman killing her husband. But in the course of the investigation, they shockingly discovered that it was actually committed by her identical twin that nobody knew about. But to top it off, as the episode was ending, the viewer discovers that the crime was actually committed by a third identical triplet that nobody knew about!! What are they going to think of next?
Anyway, I love detective shows.
